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Numbers April 30, 2006

Posted by becoming in Becoming Worse.
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I’m starting a new category with this post: “Becoming Worse,” because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks. I could summarize things quite accurately by saying, if it was good for me I didn’t do it and if it was bad for me I did it.

My progressive exercise program has transitioned from walking twice a day to walking once a day to stationary-biking once a day to basically nothing.

As I experimented with taking less and less insulin and finding that doing so did not immediately send my blood sugar levels skyrocketing, I gradually convinced myself that I didn’t need any at all. It was a small step from taking no insulin to doing no blood glucose monitoring. And with that check on my body’s response to what I was putting into it out of the way, I began to feel more and more at liberty to indulge all those food cravings that had never diminished.

About the only thing I haven’t done is start smoking again. And to be frank, in the past couple of days I’ve had some cravings along those lines for the first time in months!

I’m getting very much out of control, and the effects (while somewhat subtle) are significant enough to already see.

Here are the numbers.

My surgery was on 15 March 2006, about six and a half weeks ago. I weighed about 305. Immediately after surgery my weight went as high as 315 due to edema. I came home at 299, and watched it steadily drop (with the assistance of the diuretic HCTZ) down as low as 281. This morning it was 291.6. Two hundred ninety-one point six. And, no, that’s not some sudden abberent overnight spike. It’s been edging back upward, a little bit almost every day, for the past three weeks or more.

My blood pressure has also been going up, daily, during these last couple of week or so… as high as 190 over 118. My cardiologist had made some changes in my hypertension medication recently, but I strongly suspect that my food indulgences are more to blame.

I have to regain control. Either that or I should simply tell Lara that I’ve decided being lazy and bingeing on all the wrong foods mean more to me that trying to get healthy enough to be around for a few more years.

It’s extremely frustrating, intensely depressing. And how have I always dealt with emotional turmoil? By feeding my fat face. I have to stop, but it’s as if I don’t know how to stop… which to anyone else I’m sure sounds like a cop-out. I feel that I’m reaching a critical point in a gravely serious situation. I cannot afford to ignore this, to back-burner this. If I go on auto-pilot I know what the outcome will be.

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Comments»

1. Lara - May 7, 2006

You know it’s up to you, but if there’s some way you can think of that I can help, I’ll do it, even if it requires learning to stand on my head.

i love you!

2. baddminton - May 24, 2006

Hi — I just stumbled onto your blog, but want to encourage you to get back on track. My father and sister are diabetic, and my great uncle has been blind much of his adult life due to complications of diabetes. I watch them struggle and I know how hard it is, but you can do it. You can because you have to. Find a way to make your exercise enjoyable — get a buddy to hold you accountable and exercise with you, and think of your new control over your diet and exercise as your control over your future, not something someone else is making you do. I don’t know you, and I don’t presume to know anything about what you’re going through, but I do know you can do it, because again, you have to. It’s a matter of life and death. Good luck and Godspeed! 🙂

3. noaraz - November 13, 2006

Hey you, I was traveling around and found your blog. Please try to hang on. I know it’s not easy (and that it’s always easy to talk), but the trick that works for me is to to try to remember that mess is just a mess, and I’m much stronger than that.

*hug*


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